5

Around age 15 and 16... I was very, very much in the closet, like, rooting around with my winter clothes. So, you know, very deeply closeted. 

When I got into what you would call the online poetry community in high school and college, there were a lot more people who were talking about it and discussing it.

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It's complicated, because some of my original stuff that was published that dealt with LGBT themes, was published under a pseudonym. But some of it was related to my own name, so I think there was very much this idea that I wanted to be seen within this community space.

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I sort of started to grow and connect because I formed my own literary magazine. And so that sort of put me into a position where I was having to reach out so I can make connections with strangers.

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I ended up using 'queer' a lot because that just seems to encompass everything and because I like reclaiming it as a word. I know that it's a contentious word and so I try to use it from my own experiences and I don't use it for other people.

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You hear a lot about, like, 'queer spaces,' or like, 'oh this queer poet,' or you'll hear some discourse about using the word queer in like, whatever form. And I'm not sure if I agree with it completely but I think it just — it tends to come up a lot.

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I think on the one hand, language is incredibly important and labels are important, but on the other hand, there are other things you can be arguing about. It gets tiring and I think at some point I feel so jaded of seeing it online, whereas someone who's like 15 and first encountering this — that could be a completely different experience.

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So at this point in my life, I'm just kind of like, 'can we move on already?'

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I tend to lurk a lot, and don't really get involved in that much. For the most part, things have tended to be positive, but I've also seen a lot of stuff that I'd rather not have. 

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I don't trust as many people online as I think I did when I first started and was trying to get my footing, so to speak.

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There's this pull toward being performative online and, like, creating some sort of identity for yourself that you have to sort of live up to. But in reality, I feel like I've never been able to talk authentically online, so I prefer reality more.

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I still prefer that in-person connection. I think that a lot of people do. But I've never quite felt comfortable in these spaces.